Joe Torres: The Update

Last week, an elusive comment popped up on the original Joe Torres post,which was written in the old-timey days of March 2007.

Some background: Our pal Shannan (who, perhaps even before we met face-to-face, was already sensing the depths of my laziness) did some legwork and found two listings for Joe Torres and left them in a comment soon after the original post.

Flash forward to now. Someone, inevitably searching the web for info on the Joe Torres rumor landed on that post last week. Comment below:

I called Joe, the one on S Bilbray Ave and it was him, sound just like him when he was on TV. He is alive and well. He didnt really want to talk and I dont blame him because I could tell he was wierded out. Seems like a nice guy. Hope this answers your questions.

Now, we can analyze this a few ways. One, we could take it at face value, and assume that some enterprising person rang Joe up to see what's up. Imagined conversation: "So, no kidney failure, eh? Been to the Golden Nugget lately?" In which case, very cool, and thank you for taking the final step to sussing out Joe's whereabouts.

OR! We could look a little further. I wanted to see if we could source exactly where the anonymous comment came from. WBB's chief of research and blog analytics said that such a thing did not appear to be possible through our analytics program; however, she did note that we had four visits from Arizona in the last month--including one from Tucson and one from nearby Cartoro.

So, here's my question. Joe, is that you? Are you out there? WBB would love to have the exclusive interview.

Hang Tight, Cowboys. And Cowgirls. Cow People?

An exciting Joe Torres-related update to come. Hopefully tomorrow, when I have the time and energy to string a couple of sentences together in a pleasing sort of way.

My 90s Crushes

You know, I spend a lot of time reminiscing about all those great coming-of-age 80s movies and the actors that defined them. But, the truth is, I was nine at the end of the 80s, so while I certainly enjoy those movies, at the time that they originally aired and caused hysteria among teen girls everywhere, I was probably playing with my Popples and beheading my Barbies (another story for another time).

Which is why, I think, it’s time to get on to the decade that really mattered: the 90s. I’d like to look back and say that I was way too cool for celeb crushes and that I’m not even just the littlest bit familiar with the mags Teen Beat, Bop and yes, The Big Bopper. But you know me better than that. I mean, I watch “Gossip Girl,” and “The Hills,” for god’s sakes.

So, since I’m in a bloggy and nostalgic mood, I think it’s about time I detail my Top 5 crushes from the 90s.



Jared Leto



Man, he’s an asshole now, right? No matter. Before Cameron Diaz, before the eyeliner, before that band with the terrible name that I refuse to look up, before I started reading detailed reports of his asswipey-ness everywhere, Jared Leto was simply Jordon Catalano on one of my (still) all-time favorite TV shows, “My So-Called Life.”

Why was Jordan so dreamy? Well, he was really hot. Looking back, I think that was pretty much it. I mean, he certainly wasn’t very smart, although he was quiet and brooding, which sometimes points to intelligence below the surface. Not in this case, but whatever. I remember being crushed by Jordan and Rayanne when they hooked up (although Rayanne went on to redeem herself in my eyes with a stunning perfomance in the school’s rendition of “Our Town”), and that was pretty much just one of many moments when I should have decided that he was not worthy of Angela. But I got over it, because he was gorgeous.

Jay Frank



Um, yeah. For those who didn’t obsessively watch every minute of every episode of every season of “The Real World” in the 90s, you may have missed Jay, one of the castmembers of the mostly uneventful London season. (Although remember dude that got his tongue bit off? That shit was fucked up!)

Anyway, Jay was sweet, smart, unassuming, and totally devoted to his girlfriend back home in Portland. In other words, he probably wouldn’t make it past the first round of auditions to get on the show now. But what I loved most about Jay was that he wrote and acted in a one-man show “Bedroom.” And he wrote it when he was, like, 16. Which made me love him because I already considered myself a writer, but also because I thought that through crushing on him (and his accomplishments) I might be able to accomplish some of those lofty achievements myself. Uh, yeah, so I didn’t end up writing and acting in a one-man screenplay. But I have seen pretty much every episode of "Law & Order," which is not necessarily related, but should be considered impressive nonetheless.

The Bros From Wings



I don’t care what anyone says, "Wings" was a great show. And even though I had no idea where Nantucket was for the duration of the show, I still tuned in every week (and later in re-runs) to see what shenanigans Joe and Brian got themselves into. Now, given my preference for brainy, thoughtful dudes, it would seem that Joe would be the clear object of my affection here. But! Joe was kind of a hard-ass, and sometimes it was to the point of being annoying and unattractive. And that time, my affections would switch to Brian, who wasn’t so obsessed with Helen, and was undeniably charming. I figured I could be the one to make him settle down. Or something.

Anyway, my crushes on these guys went on for a long time, until Tim Daly and Steven Weber started taking on roles in decidedly creepy movies-of-the-week, likely in attempt to be perceived as someone other than the guys from Wings. Tim Daly as David Koresh creeped me the hell out, and I’ve never seen the actual version of “The Shining” because Steven Weber’s sanitized NBC version of Jack scared the living shit out of me.

John Cusack in “Grosse Pointe Blank”



Yeah, sometimes it’s a little hazy, but there was a Cusackian era in-between his stellar, career-defining roles in 80s flicks like “Better Off Dead,” and “Say Anything” and the bullshit he regularly ends up in now, like “Must Love Dogs.”

John Cusack was still highly crush-worthy, in my opinion, in this 1997 movie about a professional assassin who goes back to his hometown and attends his 10-year high school reunion. Definitely not ‘80s-era Cusack anymore, but still a hottie.

Elijah Wood



Definitely saved the best for last. I was intensely, disturbingly obsessed with Elijah Wood as a teenager, something that only became OK with friends and family after he became famous again a few years ago. Well, to clarify, I was still mocked about this when we has playing a Hobbit, but then he was in Eternal Sunshine and Sin City and now he comes across as an affable, well-adjusted guy with some indie cred. So I’m not a total dork. Anyway.

Not sure why I loved Elijah so intensely, but I did. He seemed smart, I guess, and he was my age, which always seemed important should we meet in real life. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen every movie Elijah Wood was in up until 1996 or so… I also have managed to store lots of Elijah-related trivia in my mind from those years. Did you know, for example, that one of his first roles was in Paula Abdul’s “Forever Your Girl” music video? AND! He was in extra in one of the “Problem Child” movies.

Yeah, he was. Bet you didn’t know those things. I spent way too much time obsessing over Elijah, which included clipping articles about him and watching “The Adventures of Huck Finn” over and over and over. I cheered when the mom dropped Macauley Culkin instead of Elijah off the cliff at the end of “The Good Son” and went out to the movie theater for the first showing of “North.”

Honorable mention:
Devon Gummersall as Brian Krakow. Yeah, he was the one who really wrote that insanely beautiful and thoughtful letter to Angela (Jordan took the cred) in “My So-Called Life.” Let’s face it—I probably couldn’t have hooked up with Jordan in real life, and since I’m a very practical person, Brian was a better bet. My crush was appropriately, uh, crushed, when Devon went on to play a character that raped the Red Ranger in “Felicity.” Sigh.

Grab your horse and come along...

I emailed Snopes to see if they would be interested in getting to the bottom of the Great Joe Torres mystery. Let's see what happens.

It's a little wild and a little strange...when you make your home out on the range

Folks, a year and four months ago, I was living (or more accurately, just kinda, sorta existing) in Texas, shoveling fast food down my gullet and spending an obscene amount of time on the Internet. (Hey, one big change a year ain’t so bad.)

But, most importantly, a year and four months ago, I authored The Most Important Blog Entry Of Our Time, one that my co-blogger Laura tells me is responsible for much of the random traffic our fledgling site gets. The entry, ladies and gents, was about the whereabouts of “Hey Dude’s” Joe Torres (aka Danny Lightfoot). The gist: I tried to get to the bottom of (or, um, searched the web for about 15 minutes in an effort to confirm or dispel) a pervasive Internet rumor that Torres had died in the last few years of kidney failure.

After receiving a random comment on that entry this weekend (said commenter basically asked if I had gotten off my ass and made any effort toward finding Torres…and the short answer is, uh, no), we decided it was time for an update.


As usual, my investigative work is best done from the couch, in my pajamas.

-In 2007, I “reported” that Joe Torres’ Wikipedia entry stated that he was last spotted in a Tucson bar called The Golden Nugget. In the past year and four months, that entry has been edited, and The Golden Nugget sighting is gone. Mysterious.

-Apparently I wasn’t thorough enough in my web research last year to discover that a web effort had formed and was already on the hunt for Torres. In 2006, this dude launched an “official” Where Is Joe Torres? Campaign. I have not seen any updates to the effort since the original post; however, t-shirts are available.

-Another guy posted about the controversy in Nov. 2007 on Yelp. In his post, he notes that Torres' IMDB profile has been edited—a credit for the role of “Drunken Indian” in the film “Hindustani” has been deleted, as well as a note about the rumor of his demise due to kidney failure. Hmm.

-This bizarre, random and totally unsourced page hosted on eBay states that “despite rumors to the contrary, Jose (Joe’s real name) is still alive and well and living in Tucson, Arizona.” And yes, I realized that it points to the Wikipedia page, but that page neither confirms or denies the kidney failure rumor. Ummm…I prefer my unsubstantiated news from Perez Hilton, thanks.

-TV.com still reports that Joe died of kidney failure after living for years on a reservation. BUT! Other reports say that Joe was Mexican-American, not Native American, so that doesn’t really fly for me.

-The Golden Nugget was voted “Best Low Brow Ambience” by Tucson Weekly in 2001. So you know.