Wednesday, February 28, 2007

It's not like we're curing cancer here

Yep, that was the most intelligent statement uttered in the America’s Next Top Model Premiere. Of course, it was uttered by the stoned-sounding, blonde, red-tutu wearing Jael, who is just crazy… but we prefer crazy over dumb, right. She also won the thrift-shop challenge, and I can respect a girl who can work the Goodwill.

I already predict this season will be a cut above. We have a Russian mail order bride named Natasha who’s 20 and has a 40-year-old husband who brought her to the country when she was 18. And she’s obnoxious. The back story and accent are probably enough to keep her on the show for quite a while.

This season also includes two plus size models. I think this is smart, considering all the news about Tyra’s weight gain. Not that 5’10” and 161 pounds is by any means fat. Her BMI is well within the normal range, but we live in a sick, sick world.

My favorite contestant this year so far was this crazy girl with a red afro named Kathleen. She was even too dumb for ANTM though, she was the first cut.

The best quotes from the season premiere come from Tyra (of course) and some early rejects whose names I didn’t bother to record.

1. “I love the smell of hair and makeup in the Morning. It smells like victory.” – Tyra

2. “I want you to be all you can be, not bitch all you can bitch.” -- Tyra

3. And to complete the Tyra trifecta: I want you to be Top Guns, not top son of a guns.”

4. “I loved Audrey Hepburn in dinner at Tiffany’s. I mean lunch, yeah, lunch at Tiffany’s.” – Nameless Reject #1

5. “Tyra likes me, so so many other people are going to like me.” – Nameless Reject #2 (Editor’s Note: She didn’t like you THAT much if you’re a reject.)

Tyra Banks - Shake Ya Body

Here's something fabulously awful in honor of the upcoming America's Next Top Model premiere (we're only an hour away). It's my guilty pleasure. Expect a full report after the two full hours of trashy goodness.

Dear Meredith Grey...

Dear Meredith Grey,

Here’s the deal. You’ve got a lot of haters, but I’ve always defended you. The whining? Yeah, it’s a little annoying, but you’ve got some crazy shit going on! Scary mommy and daddy issues, for one thing. That’s got to suck. I’m sure I’d be a little angsty about that, too. And, OK, maybe you haven’t been the most discriminate when it comes to choosing men, but hey—we all have our way of dealing with things! When I’m down , for instance, I eat the entire contents of my freezer and re-watch the very special episode of Felicity where the Pink Power Ranger gets availability of the morning after pill re-instated at the student health clinic. Maybe if I’d always had so many gorgeous, dangerous men at my disposal, it would be a different story.

But, there’s one thing, one tiny issue, I’ve tried to put in the back of my mind for so long, and it just keeps pushing its way up to the front again. One small thing that I fear, if not dealt with, may harm our relationship irreparably.

Meredith, it’s your hair. It. Always. Looks. Terrible.

Look, I know that it sounds shallow, and I try not to be a superficial person. Doc died, and that was pretty sad, so maybe you couldn’t do much to it that day. Derek left you for his beautiful, charming, still-sorta-wife, and I’ll bet that was mildly depressing, too. If that happened to me, I just might skip product for a few weeks, too.

But the thing is, Meredith, your fellow colleagues are also dealing with a surprisingly inordinate amount of drama on a near-weekly basis, and their hair manages to come out of it unscathed. Izzie freaking lost Denny, her sanity, and (almost) her medical career! Yeah, she skipped makeup for awhile, and looked extra-tormented, but her hair: lovely.

But, I’m nothing if not helpful. My hair is pretty naturally terrible, and over the years, I’ve learned many tricks. A few that might help:

Blow dry hair with a round brush. Yes, it takes awhile, especially when your hair is all long or whatever. But, it’ll give your locks the added pep they so dearly need! Just let your hair get about half-dry, separate it with clips, and blow dry each section out with a round brush. Insta-volume and sleekness, Mer!

Invest in a CHI flat-iron. Yeah, OK, so you tried the round brush thing, and couldn’t get the hang of it on the first try and quit. I kind of expected that. After all, you fell in the water a few weeks ago and pretty much let yourself drown, so I couldn’t really expect you to keep at this for too long. An easy solution to sleek, straight hair: the magical CHI! Yeah, it’s a little pricey, and I know you’re on an intern’s salary or whatnot, but it’s worth the investment. Plus, we all know that Izzie probably squirreled away at least a tiny bit of that $8 mil that Denny left her. Ask her for the money. If she declines, tell her her muffins suck.

Ponytail and product. The biggest problem with your hair, Meredith, is that it’s just always kind of flat. A super-easy fix: Shower at night, and after your hair dries a bit, pull the top half up, tightly, at the crown, and fix it in a ponytail. Put a little—just a tiny, tiny bit—of mousse or gel on your roots. When you wake up in the morn, your hair should be dry, and when you take the ponytail down, you’ll have voluminous hair! Yay for pretty hair!

I know it may take a little getting used to, incorporating one or two of these tricks into your daily routine. But, you know, just put a little Snow Patrol or The Fray on in the background, and I’ll bet it’ll become second nature in no time.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Jack Bauer for President

So as the race for president in 2008 heats up (and I can't really describe how excited I am for 1/20/09), I figured I'd make my own suggestion for President. Obama is ok. Hillary is fine. But me... I'm supporting Jack Bauer for President. Here are 5 reasons why this fictional character played by Kiefer Sutherland (yes, visualize Kiefer giving the SOTU Address) is better than George W. Bush. And quite frankly, at this point, that's really all we can hope for.

1. Jack Bauer turned out OK and his dad and brother were WAY more evil than George Bush I and brother Jeb.

2. Jack Bauer actually catches terrorists.

3. Jack Bauer was in a Chinese prison and lived to tell about it.

4. Jack Bauer can say nuclear -- AND -- disarm the weapons when under pressure.

5. Jack Bauer has been around since 2001 and he still has insanely high approval ratings.

I'm sure there are more reasons. Heck, I'm sure we can think of reasons that Kiefer Sutherland would be a better president than GW--after all, the man was in The Lost Boys and Flatliners!

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