God save us from the IRS

1.13.08 UPDATE: I found my 2004 tax return! Miracle of all miracles. So, this won't be the tragedy I expected after all. Who knew I was this organized and responsible?! I feel like I should do something really irresponsible like go on a drunken shopping spree to celebrate.


Today I came home from work to find a nice thick envelope from the IRS. Never good news, right? The only way it could be is if the envelope was full of a nice think wad of cash.

Well, it turns out -- and I didn't learn this from the letter, because the letter didn't make any sense -- that the IRS has no record of my 2004 tax return. However, they do have record of me paying them $22 and it says it came with a return. But, as the woman on the phone, who was abnormally pleasant considering her job, said: "It says here we don't have it, or maybe we destroyed it. Regardless, you need to refile it."

"Pmphf!!!" said Laura.

"You do have it on file?" questioned IRS worker Krista serial #100653 (or something like that) in a very judgmental tone. I really don't think she has the authority to judge me, by the way. You have to be higher level than second shift CSR at the IRS to give me attitude.

"Um, no -- that was 4 years ago, and I'm curious why I'm just getting this request," I responded in my most diplomatic voice.

"You should really keep records of all this stuff," she responded. And, I know she's right, but I didn't get that level of organization until 2005. Some of us are late organizational bloomers.

At this point my head was steaming, but I was smiling, because I find that when I smile when talking on the phone, it makes me sound less irritated. I use this trick a lot in my job. A lot. I'm like the Jedi Master of sounding calm and collected when I'm about to cap somebody.

So, then I asked what I could do. She gave me a 30 day extension. It took them 3 years to figure out that they lost my return, and I get 30 days to refile. Luckily they can send me all the documents I need to take care of this "situation." But, if it's anything like the time the District of Columbia inverted a couple numbers on my tax return and said I owed $700 instead of paying me $200, I doubt it will be that easy. It took me about 7 months to sort out that DC tax fiasco.

And that leads me to my final point about the IRS. The IRS is jacked, and if you elect Mitt Romney as president of the United States, it will become more jacked.

Anyone wanna do my 2004 tax return for me?