My Non-resolution Resolution Post

WARNING: THIS IS LONG AND INCREDIBLY SELF-ABSORBED. I STARTED WITH ONE TOPIC AND JUST KIND OF WENT BONKERS WRITING. MAYBE I SHOULD PAY ROB TO EDIT MY BLOGS? END WARNING.

While I do tend to think a lot about how I'd like to change my life around the new year, for some reason I hate to make actual "resolutions." I'm not sure what that's about, other than that I actually have these kind of mini epiphanies every few weeks, year-round, about what I could and should be doing with my life (healthy doses of uncertainty and self-loathing will do that to a person occasionally), and the new year really isn't that much different to me. That being said, I really do like goals, but while I've been pondering the idea of my traditional non-resolution resolutions for a few weeks, I can't think of anything concrete I really feel like I absolutely have to achieve in 2008.

Basically, I think this year is more about just moving forward. Right now, I'm considering whether or not I should re-engage with the world a little, which I realize sounds completely and totally ridiculous. But... as I've gotten older, I've become less social and just less involved in the world around me in general. And it hasn't really been a gradual, random thing that happened; I think it's actually been a pretty calculated move on my part.

At some point several years ago, it pretty much hit me that I can only expect certain things from certain people, that I'm always going to be over-sensitive and over-emotional about some things, and I'm probably going to expect more than I'm going to get. I was also way too concerned about what others thought about me. I like to be in control (I really, really, like it), so I obviously hated all of those things that were more or less beyond my abilities to handle.

Basically, I approached it like any other problem and decided to fix it. I would only spend any real time or effort on the people in my life that would give it back and that I could depend on. Everyone else became more like acquaintances--people I'd email or see once or twice a year. New friends, aside from a few people I really clicked with, were pretty much out of the question. I just didn't want to deal with it.

Rob has joked for years that I kind of just hate people in general. But it's pretty much true.

Anyway, this all pretty much reached a head when I moved to Texas from NY. I pretty much cut myself off from everything outside of our apartment. I didn't want to be there, and I didn't want any reason not to leave there, so I set some pretty specific rules for myself that more or less involved never experiencing anything outside of our tiny, tiny place. And, while I may eat an ass-ton of junk food and be incredibly lazy, I'm nothing if not somewhat self-disciplined. So, I pretty much spent a year of my life, from August 2007-August 2008, not really living at all. Great stuff, right?

The point to all of this incredibly self-absorbed rambling is that I'm trying to decide if 2008 is the year that I lighten up a little. If I can chill out a bit and just know that no matter how much I hate the negatives, some random crap will probably piss me off in order to have some new positives.

Also, maybe I'll try to nap less. Naps are great, but they make me feel like an unproductive ass.

So....um, cheers?